IN LIGHT of last night’s alleged assault by Australian batsman Luke Pomersbach on a soon-to-be-wed couple in a hotel room in Delhi, Royal Challengers Bangalore director Sidhartha Mallya has come out with some strong words, condemning any potential breach of the law.
“While the facts still remain uncertain, I think it’s important to err on the side of caution. Too often, cases like these are clouded by hyperbole, and so we should wait for the real story to come out before making a snap judgment.”
“We should note that the lady – I thought she was an exotic dancer at the time, and haven’t been proven otherwise – was flirting with me before the alleged incident. Now, I’m not saying that she’s a gold-digger, but…”
Sidhartha Mallya: “Have I made it large?”
“Luke Pomersbach is a valued member of our squad, but at such an early stage, it would be foolish to speculate what may or may not have happened. The only thing that we can be certain of is that Chris Gayle blew the fucking roof off the house last night, am I right?!“, said Mallya, in reference to the West Indian’s barnstorming 128* against Delhi Daredevils.
“Everyone at RCB would like to extend their full cooperation into the pending investigation,” said Mallya, head bowed solemnly.
“In particular, we call upon our friend [BCCI secretary] Mr Srinivasan and our casual acquaintances in the Delhi police to conduct a full inquiry into the incident,” he added, with winks punctuating Mallya’s statement.
“‘This is nothing but a result of a malicious media vendetta, whereby a young lady claims that she was felt up by a player under my duty of care,” said Mallya, the epitome of contrition. “‘Molestation’ is such an ugly word. Besides, the only man-handling that happened last night was when Gayle smashed Irfan [Pathan] into the stands.”
First SRK, now this…everyone loves a good scandal. Why can’t ppl just enjoy the cricket…has everyone forgotten chris’ 100 last night?
— Sidhartha Mallya (@sidharthamallya) May 18, 2012
“We [RCB] will be holding an internal investigation into this matter over a cool, frosty case of Kingfisher beer,” added Mallya. “None for Luke, though.”
GIVEN the Quartet’s style of singing and the featuring of Richard Stilgoe in a number of tracks – Lillian Thomson, “a maiden bowling overs at 100mph”, is perhaps my favourite of the comedy tracks, acknowledging England’s historic woes as well as a gentle poke at Australia’s fearsome duo – it’s immediately clear that this is not going to be a ‘safe’ CD you could perhaps be drawn into thinking.
Indeed the very first track, a collection of classic cricket tunes, is given real life by the Quartet’s distinctive acapella twist. This isn’t a CD to put on whilst you stare glumly at the TV, watching as rain washes out another day at Lord’s and we get a re-run of some Natwest Final, again. This is a celebration of the quirks of cricket, of poking fun at yourself for being English as well as reflecting on some of the classic cricketing institutions (Bradman, Hambledon, Murali’s joints).
The fact that this is a collection of songs from The London Quartet and includes a number of collaborations with Australians means that the focus of the CD is very much on the Ashes rivalry. If your hero is Irfan Pathan, heaven forbid, then there would be less to relate to on this CD than, say, somebody who ‘fondly’ remembers English batsmen floundering about and felt a small wave of patriotism pass through them every time Chris Tavare left a ball (you know who you are).
That’s not to say that ‘Songs of Cricket’ is simply a jolly that would have the crusty MCC members complaining about too much happiness, or Giles Clarke calling it a major threat to cricket. There is so much variety to sink your teeth into, and trust me Shahid Afridi would be the first to do so, given the mouth-wateringly shiny cricket ball on the front cover of the CD.
Songs of Cricket throws in gems throughout the 69 minutes of listening time. A reinterpretation of the (Andy) Flower Duet, an ode to England’s head coach, not only provides not just wonderful flowing lines such as “Poor Andy Flower, who picked this shower?”, but is also sung brilliantly.
By sticking to and pulling off the operatic style thanks to Eliza Lumley and Richard Bryan (on falsetto), we are left with a song that to someone who isn’t really listening properly comes across as simply a very good rendition, when in fact it masks some absolutely inspired lyrics (again masterminded by Mr Stilgoe).
This style isn’t just confined to this one song, with Jerusalem given the same treatment with nods to Murali, and a certain incident involving Mr Atherton and his pockets. There is even a monastic chant of ‘The Rules of Cricket’ just in case you thought all of the bases had been covered, whilst the collaboration with Australian singer Greg Champion is a real highlight.
For me the only song that doesn’t quite hit the same levels as the others is a rendition of the famous tea-towel aimed at throwing anybody who first tries to understand cricket. However, when there is one song out of a generous 21 that I would class as ‘maybe not quite so brilliant’, then you can pretty much guess in a nutshell what I think of this CD.
It is not just the music that provides the entertainment as the CD booklet is a wonderful accompaniment. Unusual factoids are provided for each song, as well as full lyrics. You can read up on a Korean film about naked swimmers in a Piranha-infested lake (honestly) whilst listening to a splendid re-enactment of THAT ball to Mike Gatting from Gats’ own viewpoint.
In a way that sums up Songs of Cricket. There is so much to explore on and off the CD that is simply a joy to experience. The well balanced mix of songs offers something for everybody, and everything for those looking for something a little bit unexpected. Hopefully this won’t be the last foray The London Quartet make into ‘cruckut’.
THANKS to the inception of the radio, hundreds of thousands of people, mainly our grandfathers and fathers, were able to stay aboard the latest news and more importantly, cricket match updates during poorer times when the genius of television, on-field graphics and Spider Cam had yet to be invented. While the technology of watching our beloved game has been transformed, one important aspect remains the same: commentators.
The very same ilk that once was relied upon for passionate ball-to-ball updates on transistor radios remains just as influential today and we still rely upon them for expert cricket opinion when our own supplies of armchair critics run out(!).
Here at Alternative Cricket, we take a look at the different types of commentators that exist in the gentleman’s game…
The Textbook Commentator
No, by this we don’t mean a perfect commentator. By this we mean a commentator who presents commentary like he’s reading it out of a textbook. Giving an indication at how good he might have been in school at memorising multiplication tables, this breed of commentator has a tendency to repeat the same phrases and words over and over and over and over again.
We tend to notice that these very same commentators also seem to have little or no sense of humour. This is evidenced when this species is tasked with interviewing the men playing on the field, and crickets can be heard in the background because the players don’t really get the commentator’s not-so-wise wisecrack. Awkward silences are rare, however, because these commentators enjoy the sound of their own respective voices too much.
Hallmark of this breed include the veteran Sunil Gavaskar on a good day and just what the doctor ordered, Ravi Shastri.
The One That Had One Too Many Coffees Last Night
This category was created specifically for Danny Morrison and Navjot Singh Sidhu. While Sidhu is known to take a back seat and sometimes cut the coffee some slack, Danny Morrison seems to have coffee running in his veins. Ever seen those crazy eyes on the field? AYB-SOO-LOOT-LY IN-SAANE!
This species of Danny Morrison – should future commentators want to emulate this style – is especially beneficial because they bring energy to the field, which can prove quite useful when trying to liven up a dour innings from the likes of Ganguly and Trott.
“Danny, is that a microphone in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”
The key here is that one Danny Morrison is more than enough – mixing a Morrison with a Sidhu in the same stint could well precipitate in a spate of suicides and ear-gouges across the cricket-watching world.
The ‘Entertainment In Himself’ Commentator
This is, by far, the best category a commentator can belong to. While some belong here for the virtue of being so bad, they’re good (ie Ravi Shastri) there are still others like Bumble and Co. who make the most incredible gaffes and partake in the most hilarious on-field hysterics (watch video below) and yet others like Rameez Raja who get all sorts of names and facts wrong.
Who wants to watch the cricket when you have people like these at the other end of the microphone?!
The One That Hits the Sweet Spot
These special men are the ones that in my opinion, get it just right, time and again. With the right mix of humour, wit, clarity of expression, good nature and insightful opinions, the likes of Pommie Mbangwa, Alistair Campbell, HD Ackerman and Harsha Bhogle bring the game the perfect combination of gentlemanliness, wit, and sound judgement. Their evident on-screen camaraderie makes for a welcoming and friendly atmosphere – just how it should be.
More often than not, these men also have a booming laugh that makes you think cricket is the most hilarious game ever. With the likes of Ravi Jadeja getting $2 million to play the IPL, I wouldn’t disagree.
Never Forget.
ULTIMATELY, the game would not be half of what it is were it not for these men (and women like Donna Symonds). With only our armchair critics to give us opinions about whether Sachin should retire or not, we’d be lacking in much of the zeal, energy and middle of the road opinions these formidable characters bring to our television sets.
Who are your favourite commentators? Post in the comments below!
With five losses out of five, Deccan Chargers coach Darren Lehmann has been getting a fair bit of – mostly justified, if not totally eloquent – stick on Twitter. Despite some obvious tactical failings this season, it’s worth remembering that Lehmann turned around the Deccan set-up entirely when he came in, winning IPL 2 after they had finished rock-bottom in the first edition.
This little exchange pretty much sums up Deccan’s season so far…
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SO, you’ve spent anywhere up to $333m in buying your franchise, nearly $10m assembling a handful of world-class players, and you’ve dusted down the mantelpiece in anticipation of showing off your brand new, shiny Kingfisher Fair Play Award.
Now, just sit back for eight weeks, and hope that everything clicks into place, whilst you console Preity Zinta as she holds back the tears every time a young Kings XI bowler gets hit for six. Sounds great, right?
In theory, yes. You’ve done the groundwork, and it’s too late to entirely overhaul any struggling personnel.
But, in this fast-moving tournament, it is wise to live by this mantra: If you’re not proactive, you’re inactive.
Staleness and complacency can creep into sides, as and poor tactics and strategy will inevitably be the bane of your side.
With that in mind, out of the goodness of my own heart, we have devised report cards for each team – please note that grades are not just based on overall performances, but also based on how each side is faring with their available resources.
Up top. Murali Vijay has looked a shadow of the IPL specialist he once was. With 31 runs in 5 innings, time has run out for the other Murali.
Luxury of choice. Ravi Jadeja has come in and done brilliantly, but as Albie Morkel put it perfectly: “When you have a big batting line-up, you sort of lose your responsibility as a player, because you know that you have guys behind you.”
Albie Morkel’s bowling has always been a liability in the IPL, with an econ rate of 8.40 and overall average of 28.8. So far, he has just two wickets in five matches.
In our hearts, Jadeja will always be a Kochi player. #NeverForget
Strengths
Batting. As Albie Morkel intimated, having a deep batting line-up is a double-edged sword. This year, they have The Beast coming in as low as no. 8, and Ravi Ashwin – with a Test century to his name – coming in at no. 9. Chennai have tried to have a fluid batting order, which essentially means demoting the ever-luckless Badrinath in every innings! Faf du Plessis has been the surprise package so far, with 171 runs at a strike rate of 144.9.
They know how to win. Even though Chennai have got off to a rocky start, it is unlikely that they will go on a downwards spiral – once they get on a run, they will be fiercely competitive. Having chased down 205 against Bangalore, Chennai showed why they are two-time defending champions – scoring 64 off the last four overs of a chase is unheard of, and a feat you wouldn’t back any other team to achieve.
How can Chennai improve?
Murali Vijay isn’t just out of luck; he is totally out of form. As a result, Badrinath is being wasted down the order – give him a promotion to the top, and bring in Shadab Jakati for Vijay. Both Dhoni and Raina have generally disappointed so far – in five games to date, Dhoni has only managed four boundaries (three of them coming against RCB).
Doug ‘The Rug’ Bollinger is Chennai’s best pace bowler – in fact, their only passable one – yet they dropped him for their last game against Pune. Bollinger must be an auto-starter for Chennai to reach the final four yet again.
Take a bow, Doug…take a bow.
Report Card: CSK are definitely struggling more due to the lack of pushover sides this season. As a team, they’re still playing in first gear, with an air of stale complacency, in stark contrast to their ruthless and clinical approach to previous editions. After five games, it’s a C for Stephen Fleming’s side.
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Deccan Chargers
Record: W0, L5
Where have Deccan struggled…?
At the auction, and now with their batting, bowling, strategy, closing out a game…erm, well, everywhere. Let’s put it this way: the only place Deccan haven’t struggled is with Darren Lehmann clearing out the hotel buffets.
What is the point of appointing a female anchor if you are going to show only Darren Lehmann’s face?
Deccan’s current batsmen have just 10 IPL fifties in 116 innings batting for them, an astonishingly poor record. This is in large part due to their stuttered batting order, in which they have generally insisted on sending lesser-able Indian batsmen for an early innings momentum kill. Deccan have been consistently unable to recover, and the ‘Bharat Chipli goes cheaply’ joke has been done to death.
Deccan have made a habit of selling their best players. At this level, the best overseas players are hard to pick apart in terms of quality, so it should make little difference if you get rid of a Gilchrist and replace him with a Sangakkara (although it’s worth mentioning that they allowed Kevin Pietersen to be transferred to Delhi Daredevils this year). However, Deccan will continue to struggle due to their poor Indian stocks – in the past two seasons alone, they have managed to get rid of Rohit Sharma, Rahul Sharma, Pragyan Ojha, Harmeet Singh, and RP Singh.
Deccan’s year so far can be summed up by their big buy at auction, Parthiv Patel at an eye-watering $650,000. With Sangakkara in the side as an auto-starter and wicket-keeper, you really have to question the wisdom of buying Li’l Parthiv – cute as he may be – considering he has such a poor record in T20 (S/R 111, four fifties in 110 matches, mostly opening the batting).
In reality, Deccan should have been fighting tooth and nail to hold onto an international quality player – or near enough – such as Rohit Sharma. Goodness knows what Deccan’s strategy at auction has been, but it’s one that even Arsene Wenger would raise eyebrows at.
Strengths
Dale Steyn. The South African has been a phenom so far, terrorizing all-comers, and bowling one of the best overs you will ever see to Richard Levi in the nail-biter against Mumbai.
Potential. On paper, Deccan match most teams in terms of international quality – Sangakkara, Christian, Duminy, Steyn make for a dynamic quartet, and the IPL has seen worse opening partnerships than Dhawan and Li’l Parthiv Patel.
Where can Deccan improve…?
With two reasonable knocks, it remains to be seen as to whether Cameron White has exited his prolonged slump – with 63 runs in three innings, he is already only a handful of runs away from eclipsing his Big Bash League total.
However, JP Duminy has undoubted pedigree in this format, and as well as being an exceptional fielder, he can also chip in with a few overs – Deccan correctly made a tough call in dropping White for their third game, and Duminy duly came good with a superb knock off 56* off 24. Frankly, Duminy’s non-selection is such a howler that it should call Lehmann’s competency into question.
JP Duminy – all class, he would slot into most sides in the world.
Ever since Darren Lehmann took charge of the Chargers, he has looked to promote his mediocre Indian batsmen above his international superstars. It’s fine to give them a chance, but once they have failed more than an old Nokia searching for 3G reception, you’ve got to bin them.
In T20s, you MUST have your best batsmen facing the most overs - Rajasthan have proved this with Rahane and Shah – yet Deccan still haven’t cottoned on to this seemingly obvious fact. The logic to the promotion of Chipli seems to involve sandwiching an inadequate batsmen in between two quality batsmen, and hoping that it will turn out right. In reality, Chipli just isn’t talented enough, and his slow starts in the past two seasons have put pressure on the better batsmen, stifling the early runs and putting the Chargers well behind the eight-ball early on.
After over a season of faffing around, Deccan finally recognised this fact in their third game, having Sangakkara opening with Dhawan, along with Christian and Duminy following at 3 and 4. No surprises then, that they looked a totally different unit, scoring 195. Better late than never, eh? The lower order is weak, but if one of their international stars bats through, they should be well set for most games.
Still, they like keeping everyone on their toes, so in their latest match against Kolkata, Deccan had Duminy coming in at 5, with no time to build an innings. They also dropped Christian for White, a move that is symptomatic of the fact that the management doesn’t know its elbow from its arsehole – after a long while in charge, Darren Lehmann still hasn’t got a clue as to what his best team is. Clearly, the side is missing the leadership of Gilchrist – while he was at the helm with Lehmann, the Chargers won in 2009 and came 4th in 2010. He left in 2011, where they came 7th, and this year it looks like they’ll be lucky to finish last!
Deccan Chargers are going to be relegated to the Pakistani Premier League at this rate.
Report Card: If only Deccan hadn’t sold some of the best Indian players on the circuit, they’d be one of the teams to beat. As it is, they’ll be struggling uphill this year – they must do some serious soul-searching and look at the sheer number of quality players leaking out.
Sure, the transfer money is obscene for Indian players, but I bet it doesn’t come close to offsetting the inevitable losses from finishing bottom of the pile. Five losses in five games in so far, but they have lost a couple of tight ones – Deccan get a generous D, but mainly because I don’t like to kick a team when they’re down…especially when they’ve kicked themselves so much to get there in the first place.
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Delhi Daredevils
Record: W4, L1
Star player so far: Ajit Agarkar.
Where have Delhi struggled…?
Delhi’s sole loss came in their second game, where they failed to chase RCB’s 157. In this match, they lacked any sort of direction in the middle order, but Delhi can afford to write it off as a blip. This is due to the fact that since that game, they’ve been blessed to have Kevin Pietersen, Mahela Jayawardene and Mr Midwicket himself – yup, it’s Ross Taylor – slot into the top order. With Sehwag to boot, this really is the stuff that cricketing wet dreams are made of.
Even Kevin Pietersen has confessed to being “emasculated by Ajit’s sheer presence.”
Strengths
Bowling. Morne Morkel has only been matched by Dale Steyn this season in terms of sheer pace and all-out brutality. He has been a revelation for Delhi, and his success is in large part due to his ability to land toe-crushing yorkers. For the first time in five seasons, Delhi have bowled as a unit, with Umesh Yadav and Shahbaz Nadeem backing him up impressively. In fact, Morkel has been bowling so well that he’s even threatened to outshadow the mighty Ajit Agarkar.
Batting. Spare a thought for poor Naman Ojha, who opens the innings, and has to somehow keep pace with Sehwag (front-slogger), Pietersen (clutch), Jayawardene (finisher), and Ross Taylor (back-end slogger). Delhi not only have quality, but they have brilliant balance. Pietersen has looked especially good in his two innings to date, and after a long time, there is finally a palpable sense of ‘uh oh, this could be ugly’ when a bowler trundles up.
The Original KP is at his best when he is enjoying his game, and this whole tournament suits him perfectly – after a gruelling winter with England, the IPL is his deserved dessert. Pietersen will be challenging for the (garishly fluorescent) Orange Cap this year.
GQ Magazine never did get in touch with Kevin Pietersen…
Where can Delhi improve…?
Apart from opening the batting and bowling with Agarkar – lest we forget, he is the man with a Test century at Lord’s, and who is also the (former) fastest bowler to 50 ODI wickets- Delhi don’t have much improving to do. They have a wealth of experience. I’ve never been convinced by Sehwag as captain – he’s far too ‘meh’ to be a good leader.
However, with Pietersen, Jayawardene and Taylor, they have three others with vast experience, and various captaincy stints under their belt. The only area Delhi need to improve in is their no. 7 batsman. I rate Y Venugopal Rao highly as an arse-saver, lifeboat type of batsman, and he deserves to be an auto-starter.
Report Card: If Sehwag is allowed to be Mahela’s captaincy puppet, Delhi could well win the tournament. After a great start, they deserve an A.
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Kings XI Punjab
Record: W2, L3
Star players so far: Preity Zinta, closely followed by the highly-skilled army of cameramen who zoom in on Preity’s pretty face after every wicket, four, six, single, and strategic time-out/cold shower.
Preity, there’s a 0.1% chance you’re reading this…we should totally go to dinner so I could choke on some food, sneeze out a a hunk of broccoli, and go back to wishing I could go to dinner with you. Just once.
Where have Punjab struggled so far?
Batting. Adam Gilchrist has looked a shadow of his former self, and former IPL great Paul Valthaty has been in such poor touch that he has been dropped altogether. Shaun Marsh remains the IPL’s all-time most successful batsman, but he has continued his unconvincing form from earlier this year.
David Hussey is – by a distance – their best batsman, what what damage can he do, if you keep sending him in at no. 5? It’s a familiar story from throughout this analysis, but it’s plain for all to see: your best batsmen MUST play for as long as possible.
Shastri on Gilchrist: “His family is here, he’ll be looking to make an impression.” Really? On his children?! #IPL — Alternative Cricket (@AltCricket) April 18, 2012
Strengths
In Preity Zinta and Piyush Chawwwwla, Kings XI Punjab boast the most pinchable cheeks in the competition.
Punjab wearing green helmets in recognition of energy conservation. Quite appropriate – Preity could light an entire city with her smile. — Alternative Cricket (@AltCricket) April 18, 2012
How can Punjab improve? Ask their team mascot, The Dalai Lama, to pray for their sins, because Punjab are my strong favourites for the wooden spoon.
MR LAMA! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO PLAY HARD TO GET!
With Gilchrist and Marsh out of nick, and a dearth of quality Indian batsmen, Punjab have about as much chance of making the semi-finals as I do of eloping with Preity to Acapulco, where Lalit Modi serves us Pina Coladas on the shorefront. Well…I guess I’m cheering on Punjab now.
Report card: Kings XI Punjab get a D-, but only because I couldn’t bare to see Preity’s face if she found out I flunked her team.
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Kolkata Knight Riders
Record: W4, L3
Star player so far: The TSA employee who violated Shah Rukh Khan.
Strengths
Sunil Narine was a big buy at $700,000, but so far, he has bamboozled all-comers. Expect him to challenge Malinga for top wicket-taker, as tail-enders run down the pitch and walk past a delivery that fizzes past the edge – Narine is wickedly difficult to pick, and even the best will struggle against him.
Middle overs bowling. Batting sides are usually looking to accelerate from the 12th over onwards, but with Narine, Bhatia and Balaji, Kolkata have the best unit in terms of slowing down momentum. Bhatia and Balaji have proved virtually unhittable with their accurate slower balls on the Eden Gardens dustbowl.
Where have Kolkata struggled so far?
Yusuf Pathan – better known as ‘The Bear Jew’ – has looked bang out of form, and totally unreliable as a lower-order smash-and-grab merchant.
Gautam Gambhir is taking this tournament very seriously. Perhaps too seriously. Every time the camera pans to Gambhir in the dug-out, he looks like a cop straight out of a film noir, in deep self-contemplation.
Always a good sign to see happy faces in times of strife.
After five seasons, Kolkata keep making the same mistakes. KKR after famous for their unerring ability to make the worst out of a good situation, and this is because despite always having one of the best squads, and always ending up in match-winning positions, they have often found a way to stuff it up. KKR had tried four different 1-2-3′s in their first six matches, and are evidently clueless as to what their best team is.
The latest iteration of Kolkata’s top order is their most illogical yet – Jacques Kallis is a liability if not played as an opener, and realising he would stride out at no. 4 against Punjab was a true facepalm moment. They also have no idea who their best overseas players are, and world-class ODI all-rounders Shakib-Al-Hasan and Ryan ten Doeschate must be wondering what they need to do to get a run of games! The big dilemmas that KKR have at the moment are with McCullum and Kallis – two players who haven’t performed to their best, and in McSlogga, they have someone who has now become outright overrated.
There’s no doubt that Kallis is one of the greatest, but in this format he tends to put pressure on those around him, and is best suited to the lower chases, but it’s tough to see him scoring a match-winning knock in a chase of 200. Ten Doeschate is a quality player and a like-for-like replacement, except that he’s more dynamic than Kallis in this format.
Not even Jacques Kallis’ O-Face can tempt us to change our mind.
Bringing in Shakib for McCullum is more of a no-brainer – in awesome form through the BPL and Asia Cup, Shakib should have been an auto-starter for KKR. Kolkata’s dubious strategy of using a Random Number Generator to choose their line-up is ill-advised at best, and they clearly need some help…so let’s help them out!
1. Gambhir (captain, curmudgeon) 2. ten Doeschate 3. Bisla (wk), 4. Manoj Tiwary 5. Shakib-Al-Hasan 6. The Bear Jew 7. Das 8. Lee 9. Bhatia 10. Narine 11. Balaji Report card: Kolkata have the raw ingredients to be champions, but year after year, nothing has changed. Despite doing relatively well so far, Kolkata Knight Riders get an F, for repeating the same mistakes over and over again. They will not win the IPL unless they consider changing it up.
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Mumbai Indians
Record so far: W3 L3
Star player so far: Lasith Malinga, who keeps proving himself as the best T20 bowler in the world.
Where have Mumbai struggled…?
With Tendulkar out with a damaged thumb – [insert Hand of God reference] – Mumbai’s heart (and liver, kidneys, lungs) is absent. Without Tendulkar, the Mumbai batsmen have panicked like Jesse Ryder at a salad bar.
The manner of dismissals should be most concerning for Mumbai’s South African brains trust – they have not just struggled against the quality pace of Morne Morkel and Dale Steyn, but they have lost their cool. They have attempted rash shots, and thrown their wickets away when calm heads were required.
Strengths
Bowling. Mumbai did some of the shrewdest business in the transfer market this year, nicking Pragyan Ojha from Deccan. They are one of the few teams to have sussed that most batsmen at this level are of a high standard, and it’s the bowlers that will set a team apart. This is shown perfectly in Lasith Malinga, who has the incredible economy rate of just 4.54 in his four games to date.
Lasith Malinga is the IPL’s all-time leading wicket-taker and face-piercer.
With Malinga, Munaf Patel, Ojha and Harbhajan, Mumbai have a near-perfect top four. However, their fifth bowler has been a liability in previous seasons, and will remain that way whilst Pollard and Franklin are lurking in the background, ready to leak runs at the death.
How can Mumbai Improve…?
Richard Levi was picked up by Mumbai, chiefly on the strength of one innings - albeit an eye-catching one! Still, the IPL is littered with such let-downs and one-hit wonders, and after scoring 50 in the opening game, Levi has struggled in his remaining four innings, scoring just 22 runs.
Once Mitchell Johnson enters the fold in place of James Franklin, Mumbai should have a perfect balance in their line-up. Mumbai are another team who have a luxury of options, but their ideal team composition seems fairly straightforward: 1. Tendulkar 2. Herschelle Gibbs 3. Rohit Sharma 4. Rayudu 5. Kieron Pollard 6. Karthik 7. Mitchell Johnson 8. Harbhajan (c) 9. Malinga 10. Munaf 11. Ojha
Against some sides, it would be good to see Mitchell Johnson promoted as a pinch-hitter. Pollard’s slot should be as a floater – he is allergic to hostile pace bowling.
Report Card: Mumbai get a B – they are heavily reliant on Tendulkar, but he should paper over the cracks.
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Pune Warriors India
Record: W4 – L3
Star Player So Far: Steve Smith.
Where have they struggled?
Running between the wickets. The talented Jesse Ryder and legendary-but-geriatric Sourav Ganguly make for a tragicomic pairing. After three partnerships together, Ryder has been run out twice, and Ganguly once for good measure. A remarkable stat, yet not altogether shocking.
Jesse Ryder auditioning for a role in The Titanic…as the iceberg. #IPL — Alternative Cricket (@AltCricket) April 12, 2012
Sourav Ganguly. It’s disappointing that Ganguly’s fitness has been so terrible, considering that a) he is captain b) he is on borrowed time c) the likes of Adam Gilchrist are still in peak fitness. So far, Pune are lucky that his negligible fitness efforts in the off-season have not permeated through to the rest of the side, but Ganguly’s role as a top order batsman simply isn’t tenable if he can’t run more than a single at a time.
As a result of this poor fitness, Ganguly’s fielding has also been embarrassing – Dada looks like he needs a golf cart to ferry him between overs, and I’m sure I’ve seen him take a puff through an oxygen mask during a strategic time-out… The likes of Brad Hodge and Brad Hogg show that T20 might isn’t just a young man’s game; but it is certainly not a lazy man’s game.
In addition, Ganguly’s batting has never clicked in the IPL, with a lifetime strike-rate of just 108. Considering Pune have so many reasonable batsmen in their side, it is criminal that Ganguly should be allowed to waste the Batting PowerPlay at less than a run-a-ball.
Fewer more comical sights in cricket than Ganguly and Ryder running between the wickets hard for the first and both turning down the second — Achettup (@achettup) April 14, 2012
Strengths
Sourav Ganguly. As poor as his fitness has been, his leadership has been decisive. The fervent support he receives from the Pune crowd have ensured that the – modestly named – Subrata Roy Stadium will likely remain a fortress for a long time to come.
Steve Smith. It’s hard to believe that as captain of the winning Big Bash League side, Steve Smith was unsold at auction, only later being picked up by Pune. He has been outstanding in the field and chipped in with some match-winning cameos with the bat. He is turning into the type of game-changing utility player who will be the envy of every team.
Was only ever going to be a matter of time before Steve Smith took over the world.
Bowling. In Dinda and Nehra, Pune have two highly experienced IPL bowlers, even if the latter has proven to be a liability at the death. History has shown that the best T20 sides have plenty of spinners, and Pune have the pick of the bunch in this tournament – Murali Kartik is a clutch slow-left armer, Rahul Sharma continues to confound with his #NotKumble non-spinning leggies, and if they continue with Marlon Samuels, then they have one of the few spinners in the tournament who is reliable at the death.
However, Wright and Mathews need to focus on bowling cutters during the middle overs – otherwise, they are medium pace fodder who most batsmen will dream about facing.
How can Pune improve?
Ganguly should be prepared for an ego check. At the moment, he is a liability in the field but can be accommodated. However, in the batting line-up, can you afford to accommodate someone eating up balls when they should be racing along? When Pune have to chase a big score, they will be absolutely hamstrung by Ganguly – he should be prepared to demote himself in these cases, whilst attempting to anchor the innings.
My preferred option would be to have Ganguly as a specialist captain, batting at 8…but woe betide the support staff who bring up this small matter.
Replace Marlon ’730′ Samuels with Luke Wright.
I rate Samuels very highly as a Afridi-esque bowler, even if his action is about as straight-armed as a darts player. However, as a batsman, he is another liability, alongside Ganguly. Scores of 4 (4), 46 (39), 2 (11), 8 (15), 34 (20) and 26 (24) highlight that Samuels is far too inconsistent to be trusted in the top order.
After finally being warned for chucking, it’s surprising that he was picked for the next match – if he is called again, he will be banned for the season. Quite ironic, considering he is wearing the shirt number ’730′ – the same number of days he was banned from international cricket for. Martyr, much?
Marlon Samuels, midway through his quicker ball…
In Luke Wright, they have a player who can fill the 5th/6th bowler role with some – albeit superfluous – medium pace, but more importantly, a dynamic batsman who proved himself not long ago in the Big Bash League. Pune should see how Wright fares for a run of games – if he doesn’t slot in, then they still have the highly talented Callum Ferguson.
Shuffle the batting. Ryder, Wright, Uthappa, Ganguly, Smith, Mathews, Manhas, Kartik, Sharma, Nehra, Dinda makes for an exceptional line-up (Ganguly should be batting below Manhas, but that may well cause petrol bombs to be thrown onto the field).
I have always stressed the need for dynamic players in T20s, the multi-dimensional cricketers who are capable of changing a game – in Ryder, Wright, Uthappa, Smith and Mathews, Pune are blessed to have five of them, along with solid bowlers. What sticks out about Pune’s batsmen is that they possess a mix of power, finesse, and unorthodoxy, and aren’t one-dimensional like some of the other sides.
Report Card: Small problems will be easily solved with common sense, Pune Warriors get an A-.
“Who’s a better captain tactically: #Dada or #Dhoni?” 62% of people say Dhoni…62% of people are clueless. — Alternative Cricket (@AltCricket) April 14, 2012
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Rajasthan Royals
Record: W4, L2
Star Player: Ajinkya Rahane – the 23 year old phenom is leading the run charts by some distance, with 304 runs in 6 games, at a strike rate of 147.
Where have they struggled?
Nowhere, really. Rajasthan have no ostensible holes in their side, although they’d like to have had one quality Indian pacer in their ranks, and Rahane has performed so well that he’s papered over any poor knocks from the other young Indian batsmen.
Strengths In Owais Shah and Brad Hodge, Rajasthan made two of the most astute signings this year – two of the most experienced, well-travelled T20 batsmen were bizarrely unfancied by other sides. Oh, and T&T’s Kevon Cooper has been a revelation – but he can’t even get in the side because of Brad Hogg’s star turns so far.
Just like in IPL 1, Rajasthan did their research and shirked the big-name superstars, going for the value buys. Once again, it is paying off handsomely for them.
Ajinkya Rahane: India’s most promising batsman.
How can Rajasthan improve?
A lot of faith has been placed in Ashok Menaria, but there is no way he should ever be batting higher than Shah and Hodge, who are world-class T20 players. Kevon Cooper was outstanding before he picked up a niggle, but he has been kept out of the side by Brad Hogg’s surprise brilliance.
After a poor return for Johan ‘The Power’ Botha, Hogg has usurped the long-sleeved tweaker as Rajasthan’s no. 1 spin option. Considering Botha’s poor form, Cooper should get back in the side as a matter of urgency – the young man showed a special spark with both bat and ball, and deserves a run until Shane Watson arrives.
Food for thought: Why does Johan Botha wear long sleeves in 100 degree heat?
Report Card: Rajasthan are the side with the least worries at the moment. Their three gun batsmen are in stupendous form, and their timing of acceleration has been something to behold. With Shane Watson to come back, Rajasthan could have a top order to die for – Rahane, Watson, Shah, Hodge would certainly match Delhi in terms of firepower and experience. Death bowling remains a concern, however, but they are the only side to get an A.
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Royal Challengers Bangalore
Record: W2. L3
Star player so far: Muttiah Muralitharan. With 8 wickets in 4 matches, and a miserly economy rate of just 7.00, Murali has surprised all by rolling back the years and bamboozling batsmen like it’s 1999.
Where have they struggled?
Back-up bowling. Zaheer Khan, Muralitharan and Daniel Vettori are conceding just 7.2 per over; the respective figure for the rest of the bowlers is an alarming 11.3.
Back-up batting. After one excellent season for Mumbai, Sourabh Tiwary proved to be a big-money flop for RCB – this season, he had just 44 runs in 4 innings, until he at long last hit his straps with 36* that saw his side home against Pune. His fellow middle order batsmen have not fared well at all, with Cheteshwar Pujara and Mohammad Kaif also failing to click.
Bangalore are over-relying on the awesomeness of one man. Still, if it had to be one man…
Chris Gayle’s fitness. Against Rajasthan Royals, Gayle was carrying a groin strain, and should have been nowhere near the side in his state. He limped in the field, and bowled even more gingerly than usual, conceding a momentum-changing 21 off his over. It was no surprise to see him out cheaply, but as ever, he is an enigma – he returned in the next match, started his innings in a state of mild sedation, and then exploded with five consecutive sixes, winning the Man of the Match award for his 81.
Chris Gayle: “Sad that [my six] broke someone’s nose in the stands – I’m going straight to the hospital now.” #Whaddaplaya#IPL — Alternative Cricket (@AltCricket) April 17, 2012
Strengths
On paper, a trio of Gayle, Virat Kohli and AB de Villiers is about as threatening as it gets. Each have one fifty to their name, but they have failed to strike significant partnerships with each other.
Strike bowlers. Zaheer, Murali and Vettori have been in outstanding form, and not a single batsman has managed to break the shackles imposed by any player.
How can Royal Challengers Bangalore improve…?
Make sure that AB de Villiers always bats at no. 4, without fail. Make no mistake, RCB were incredibly lucky to sneak the last-ball cliffhanger against Pune – having both Agarwal and Tiwary batting above de Villiers was a howler they were fortunate didn’t cost them.
AB de Villiers: Striking fear into the hearts of bowlers, husbands and boyfriends everywhere.
Andrew McDonald was excellent in the one match he played, but was immediately replaced by Chris Gayle for the next – ‘Ronald’ deserves another chance at some point.
UPDATE: Chris Gayle has just arrived at hospital to see his victim, who’s in obvious distress after that assault – Ashish Nehra is in tears.
Clearly, RCB are having massive selection issues. On form, the overseas players pick themselves – Muralitharan, Vettori, Gayle and de Villiers are each shoo-ins. However, RCB logic is not always logical – Dilshan came in for the outstanding Murali in their last game, and they duly leaked plenty.
Report Card: Last year, RCB relied entirely on Chris Gayle, and it paid off handsomely. However, it is telling that their bowling has crumbled time after time, and their batting has fallen apart when Gayle has failed. For their early-season coasting and complacency, RCB get a C-. If they get their act together, they will be the team to beat, but their gameplan is full of clutter at the moment.
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Verdict
It’s no surprise that Pune and Rajasthan are doing so well – no international egos, and many underrated players looking to prove themselves on the big stage, in anticipation of September’s World T20.
Predictions are essentially futile in the IPL – as we have seen, there are a huge number of variables, and it’s the teams that get on a run who will win a spot in the semi-finals. What’s more, is that momentum can be built on the finest of margins – Pune were stopped dead in their tracks when Ashish Nehra couldn’t defend 21 runs off his final over against RCB, whereas Sourabh Tiwary’s final-ball six could prove to reinvigorate his side.
However, it can be said with some certainty that the sides relying on individual brilliance will come unstuck – eventually.
Deccan and Punjab are really lagging behind, although the rest are matched incredibly closely in terms of quality and all-round ability – this should make it the most entertaining IPL so far.
After a hundred international hundreds, a World Cup, and the odd duty-free Ferrari, are we really telling Sachin: “Thanks, but no thanks”?
What juxtaposition, to see a man praised for his humility for the last twenty years, finally being challenged over his perceived narcissism. You couldn’t make it up.
Depressingly, it is an all-too-familiar symptom of the international media machine that journalists are prepared to celebrate Sachin’s most epic of landmarks, and stick the knife in as soon as the celebratory fireworks have turned to dust.
Don’t believe the fatalistic hyperbole that has been permeating print and online media – not live on air, of course (not one commentator would dare take on Sachin on a live phone-in with Shastri).
Sachin’s feat is so awesome that if he weren’t Indian, our newspapers would be digging for an Indian connection to him.
I do not buy into the growing mob mentality surrounding Sachin Tendulkar, nor do I buy into the outright hero worship. But, there is no doubt that he has had a profoundly positive impact on the world of cricket, both in India and internationally. I have every sympathy for Tendulkar – in the eyes of the public, he has been elevated to become essentially spotless, a flawless and magnificent individual.
Therefore, it is only natural that in spite of his genius, he will have his cynical detractors: “He should have batted with more urgency”, “He batted selfishly”, “On finishing his 42nd Man of the Match press conference, Sachin didn’t carve unicorn carpaccio with an MRF bat, and hand-feed it to the foreign journalists – ungracious host that he is.”
The Indian public demands so much of Tendulkar, it’s a wonder that they haven’t called for his head after failing to solve the world food crisis, global warming, and bring peace to the Middle East.
Sachin Tendulkar: forever to be known as the man who didn’t solve The Suez Crisis?
Increasingly, criticism of Tendulkar has been taken to the next level by an inconsistent and pandering media, and fluffed up with out-of-context stats, making for pieces bordering on character assassination.
Tendulkar should retire when there are better players to replace him. Currently, only Virat Kohli has made the transition from promising youngster to consistent – and world-class – performer at international level. Rohit Sharma may be India’s most talented young batsman, but his temperament has let down his country as much as his talent raised its hopes. The likes of Cheteshwara Pujara and Ajinkya Rahane have paid their dues on the domestic circuit, and should take the spots of Dravid and VVS Laxman, whilst Tendulkar is still there in the middle order.
Sachin has been in form longer than most cricketers have been alive.
To muddy the waters, it is understood that Tendulkar has several concurrent multi-year sponsorship deals. We do not know the terms, but there is little doubt that the BCCI would like to milk this cash cow for as long as possible. If Tendulkar hits a severe patch of poor form, then this will be a perfect storm that will test the resolve of all involved. After all, after Dhoni, Tendulkar is the most marketable player in the world – not many can claim to have rebranded Coke…
Too often it is taken for granted that here we have a man who was thrust into the spotlight of a billion, aged just 15. He has outlasted his peers, and been a wonderful ambassador. For a modicum of appreciation, it is worth comparing Tendulkar to other cricketers. Shahid Afridi was thrown into the spotlight aged just 12 and a half, and now he’s on the verge of advertising genital whiteners for men. Excuse me – ‘for the discerning man‘.
India could have had it so, so much worse.
Undoubtedly the most influential player of his generation, Sachin’s true legacy will only be revealed once he has retired, but one thing is for certain – we are more blessed to have Tendulkar than we appreciate.
Could we please stop comparing God and Sachin? I mean he’s a great guy and really amazing and all, but he’s just not Sachin.
For RCB, every year is like a bad rom-com, probably one starring Katherine Heigl. Not only did these eternal T20 bridemaids lose the IPL final to Chennai last year, they also went ahead and lost the Champions League final to a Mumbai side that was missing 70% of its first team. Still, they’ve come a long way since the “Test side” days, a dark period for the team in the early days of its inception (four years ago).
Key Players: Naturally, Chris Gayle. No one hits the ball as “sweet azz” Chris Gayle. Skipper Daniel Vettori is a tough bowler to get away; if he was a piñata, he would find a way to avoid being hit, blindfold or no blindfold. Then, of course, there’s the man-child around whom the entire franchise is built: Virat Kohli. His current batting form is like butter: it’s smooth, delicious, great on toast and may result in a heart attack.
Fact: his coolness is the only thing preventing global warming from plunging the earth into eternal hellfire.
New Signings: RCB’s biggest problem has been replacing Anil Kumble, and they seem to finally have succeeded by bringing in Muttiah Muralitharan, who was a free agent after the dissolution of the Kochi Tuskers. Joining him is Vinay Kumar, who seems to get better every time someone makes a joke about how bad his bowling is. Former Delhi Daredevils all-rounder and current soulless ginger Andrew McDonald will surely get a few games, but all I can really say about him is that he never fails to contribute.
Why you should support them: In nerdy Vettori, cool Gayle, jock Kohli and everyman Vinay Kumar, they have a collection of characters you simply cannot fail to relate to (I’m still thinking of their campaign as a movie). Possible exception to relatability: Japanese-speaking Dutch Australian cricketer, freestyle skier, saxophone-player and future movie star Dirk Nannes.
Squad: Daniel Vettori (c), Mayank Agarwal, KP Appanna, Sreenath Aravind, Arun Karthik, Raju Bhatkal, AB de Villiers, Tillakaratne Dilshan, Muralidharen Gautam (wk), Chris Gayle, Mohammad Kaif, Abrar Kazi, Zaheer Khan, Virat Kohli, Charl Langeveldt, Andrew McDonald, Abhimanyu Mithun, Muttiah Muralitharan, Karun Nair, Dirk Nannes, Ryan Ninan, Harshal Patel, Asad Pathan, Luke Pomersbach, Cheteshwar Pujara, Rilee Rossouw, Jamaluddin Syed Mohammad, Saurabh Tiwary, Vinay Kumar, Vijay Zol.
Did you know?
Asad Pathan likes to refer to Irfan and Yusuf Pathan as his “other brothers from different mothers”. They do not find it amusing.
When Cheteshwar Pujara goes to the beach, people yell out “shark, shark!” only to realize that it is him doing the backstroke.
Prospects for this season: With a deep batting order packed with in-form stars like Gayle, Kohli and deVilliers, two of the best spinners in the world in Vettori and Murali and a reliable pace attack spearheaded by Zaheer Khan, there’s no doubt they can go the distance – their only worry will be converting that silver into a gold.
IT’S that time again, IPL is upon us and money-rolling behemoth is showing no signs of slowing down….much like Allen Stanford’s cell-mate….
My pick to win it this season, is as it has always been since its inception – The Deccan Chargers….my sole reason for this at the time was Adam Gilchrist, hard-hitting, unparalleled experience and sublime captaincy.
I’d even heard the world-famous American Baptist minister, Jesse Jackson liked him quite a bit….but it turned out later it was only because Gilly’s names included “Adam” and “Christ”….well, many would pick the First Man and Son Of Man in their XI I figure, so no harm, no foul Jesse….at least it had taken a few years before Dan Christian joined the right honourable DC…
So – a worthy squad for 2012 truth be told; the usual mix of cricket rock-stars, and some unknowns….
Game-breakers include Dale Steyn, Kumar Sangakkara and JP Duminy, all of whom have showed some ominous form over the last 3 months for their countries.
We have some regular faces on the circuit coming into the fray too, Ishant Sharma (sans mullet…), Parthiv Patel (who was sold for 650,000 USD – that is to say, 650,000 United States Donuts…) – that said, his loathe of running ‘quick singles’ in favour of launching sixes could prove valuable…
South African Rusty Theron will be playing, as well as 21 year-old fellow-ginger, Australian Chris Lynn….by their mug shots, it is fairly clear who feels they are on top of the food – chain in the ‘ginger-quota’ struggle….
Brand new entrants include the 18 year old Sneha Kishore, slow left-arm orthodox bowler and right hand bat. I could not find a profile photo of him as the obstetric ultra-sound machine was apparently broken at the time of squad announcements…
Fellow infant and leg-break bowler, Akash Bhandari joins Sneha – clairvoyants believe Akash is really an out-and-out fast bowler, but given that he is still growing physically, this will take a few years yet….
If age quotas were in play, could they not have left them out and taken the 36 year old Kallis instead?
Prospects
Deccan will be relying heavily on Kumar Sangakkara and JP Duminy, and will be praying that Cameron White can regain some semblance of form, after a horror run in last year’s IPL. Having lost Ojha (to Mumbai Indians), and Ishant Sharma (to a mullet-related injury), Deccan may well be struggling this season.
CONTRARY to what you may think, the Kings XI haven’t been completely awful in IPL history. They finished second in ’08, missed out on a semi-final berth on run-rate in ’09, and after an unusually large hiccup in ’10 (the dreaded wooden spoon), they again missed out on the semis last year by a single point. None of this, however, has managed to dampen the spirit of the owner – at least, the only owner that matters – the dimpled Goddess who keeps showing up and saying nothing of consequence because nobody is listening.
Heh heh, I used ‘damp’ and ‘Preity’ in the same sentence.
Squad
Adam Gilchrist (c)(wk), Parvinder Awana, Amit Yadav, Azhar Mahmood, Stuart Broad, Abhishek Nayar, Mandeep Singh, Harmeet Singh, Love Ablish, Paras Dogra, James Faulkner, David Hussey, Vikramjeet Malik, Bhargav Bhatt, Bipul Sharma, Siddharth Chitnis, Nathan Rimmington, Paul Valthaty, Nitin Saini, Shalabh Srivastava, Piyush Chawla, Sunny Singh, Ryan Harris, Praveen Kumar, Shaun Marsh, Dimitri Mascarenhas, David Miller, Ramesh Powar, Rajagopal Sathish.
Key Players
It’s not easy to pick out the stars from such an unspectacular squad, only one or two names stand out. Gilchrist hasn’t managed to find a degree of consistency, and the responsibility of scoring the bulk of the runs will, once again, fall upon the out-of-form shoulders of Shaun Marsh. Despite indifferent form on the international circuit, Marsh has been consistent in the IPL, top-scoring in the first edition, and finishing fourth in the charts last year.
David Hussey was fantastic against the West Indies, and this is his chance to make a huge impact. Abhishek Nayar will hold the middle order together, and Praveen Kumar with the new ball will be crucial. Spinning all-rounder Bipul Sharma is the one to watch out for.
New Signings
If fit for the latter stages, Stuart Broad will doubtless take a few spankings (metaphorical, of course), no one can escape those in the IPL. It’s worth a tune-in just to see if he weeps or not. Oh, hello! A Pakistani player in the IPL? Azhar Mahmood, everyone! Surely this will open a door for other Pakistani-English players like Saqlain Mushtaq, Mushtaq Ahmed and their mixed-DNA evil clone Mushtaq Mushtaq?
Also joining Punjab is James Faulkner, the Aussie left-arm seamer who excelled in the Big Bash League, and Dimitri Mascarenhas, who didn’t. Rajagopal Sathish, an excellent fielder who doesn’t do much else, was traded in for Dinesh Karthik (terrible deal alert!).
Why Should I Support Kings XI Punjab?
Because Preity Zinta said so. And do you really want to piss Praveen Kumar off? Have you heard what he can do with a stump in his hand?
Without Preity Zinta, the IPL would only consist of Shilpa Shetty. A sobering thought.
Did You Know?
New signing Dimitri Mascarenhas hit 5 consecutive sixes off former KXIP captain Yuvraj Singh, who went one better against the other new signing, Stuart Broad. The Punjab Circle of Doom.
A pair of conjoined twins has been cast as Ramesh Powar in an upcoming movie about his life.
Piyush Chawla may have been around forever, but he’s still only 23, so let’s not judge him yet. He has plenty of time to become a more terrible bowler.
Prospects for IPL 5
It will take something really special from Aussies Gilchrist, Shaun Marsh and David Hussey for Punjab to make competitive totals regularly, with support from younger Indian batsmen like Nayar and Mandeep Singh. Stuart Broad is a much-improved T20 bowler and Praveen Kumar is no doubt effective, but Punjab’s fortunes lie with their many spinners, the best of the lot being Bhargav Bhatt. It’s highly unlikely that they will finish above seventh place this year.
The IPL has led a benign, trouble-free existence since its inception in 2008, but only in the sense that John Terry has led a benign, trouble-free domestic life. If there were anyone left on the planet, however, who thought the tournament could benefit from even more scandal and political wrangling, then Sahara Pune Warrior’s continued presence will be more than welcome.
It’s not uncommon for the IPL auction to throw up surprises – rumours abound that a Pakistan player may even be bought one day – but Pune’s withdrawal from the tournament before it had even begun was unprecedented even by these maniacal standards. Albeit brought about by the BCCI’s decision not to allow the Warriors to replace the cancer-stricken Yuvraj Singh, the competition’s most expensive franchise then proceeded to dig their heels in like a mule in stilettos.
Pune could well struggle in Yuvraj’s absence.
When owner Subrata Roy threatened to cancel his Sahara group’s megabucks sponsorship deal with the Indian national team, the BCCI suddenly and unsurprisingly reversed faster than President Assad with a dissident in his wing mirror and allowed Pune an extra foreign player.
So here they are, but there’s little love lost between Sourav Ganguly’s men and the powers that be, or indeed the other teams involved, who felt a bit of preferential treatment had been meted out over the whole affair.
DLF Minimisers
Last year, Rahul Sharma’s leg break googlies got 16 wickets but very little back up from his fellow Pune bowlers. This time round Ashish Nehra, Alfonso Thomas and 1980s jogger vibe specialist, Ashok Dinda, will all offer what looks like decent, if not bowel-threatening, support so expect the Warriors’ attack to at least better their IPL4 disappointments.
Ashok Dinda: Central Park circa 1984 not pictured.
DLF Maximisers
Through his performances in the recent Big Bash, Luke Wright has quietly slipped down under the radar and become a genuine threat in T20 cricket. Playing for Melbourne Stars, the England international notched 236 runs at 39.33 with strike rate of 145.6. If you want to snigger at someone flailing hopelessly underneath a mop of peroxide, Luke Wright is no longer your man.
But don’t worry; Steve Smith is also in the Pune squad.
Steve Smith will be tasked with intimidating the likes of Kieron Pollard…we’ll see how that one works out.
Why Should I Support Pune Warriors?
They have a player called Raiphi Gomez, a feisty odd job all rounder and the only cricketer to sound like an AK-wielding anti-hero in a Robert Rodriguez flick.
Did you know?
Although there’s no official BCCI rule stipulating that all IPL skippers must be named after characters in superhero porn parodies, Sourav Ganguly’s official title at Pune is the formidable sounding, ‘Captain-cum-mentor’. Who’s your Dada?
Sourav Ganguly: Sporting the #ShastriMoustache that made women go weak at the knees, circa 1979.
Prospects for IPL 5
Despite the auction shenanigans, Pune have still put together a strongish-looking squad, although their extra overseas player coupon has been devalued somewhat by the potential, but not yet confirmed, loss of Angelo Mathews through injury and Jesse Ryder through well…being Jesse Ryder. He has been accompanied to India by his psychologist and his manager, and it remains unlikely that he will be able to perform like the jolly, slightly tipsy Jesse of old. We wish him well.
Another import, snuggle-faced Australian James Hopes, has also been wheeled back to Queensland with a dodgy knee, whilst Graeme Smith has been ruled out with ankle surgery.
It’s still unclear if Ryder or Mathews will make it to cricket’s Gomorrah, and in Marlon Samuels and Michael Clarke, Pune have made two of the most odd signings in IPL’s glorious history. Neither player has especially good T20 pedigree, and considering he has generally turned his nose up at T20 cricket, on the face of it Clarke would seem like a horrible signing.
However, with Callum Ferguson, Wayne Parnell and Robin Uthappa knocking about Pune should have a bit more in their locker to improve on last year’s malingering ninth place finish.
Sidhartha Mallya: “Have I made it large?”
The Four Types of Cricket Commentators
THANKS to the inception of the radio, hundreds of thousands of people, mainly our grandfathers and fathers, were able to stay aboard the latest news and more importantly, cricket match updates during poorer times when the genius of television, on-field graphics and Spider Cam had yet to be invented. While the technology of watching our beloved game has been transformed, one important aspect remains the same: commentators.
The very same ilk that once was relied upon for passionate ball-to-ball updates on transistor radios remains just as influential today and we still rely upon them for expert cricket opinion when our own supplies of armchair critics run out(!).
Here at Alternative Cricket, we take a look at the different types of commentators that exist in the gentleman’s game…
The Textbook Commentator
No, by this we don’t mean a perfect commentator. By this we mean a commentator who presents commentary like he’s reading it out of a textbook. Giving an indication at how good he might have been in school at memorising multiplication tables, this breed of commentator has a tendency to repeat the same phrases and words over and over and over and over again.
We tend to notice that these very same commentators also seem to have little or no sense of humour. This is evidenced when this species is tasked with interviewing the men playing on the field, and crickets can be heard in the background because the players don’t really get the commentator’s not-so-wise wisecrack. Awkward silences are rare, however, because these commentators enjoy the sound of their own respective voices too much.
Hallmark of this breed include the veteran Sunil Gavaskar on a good day and just what the doctor ordered, Ravi Shastri.
The One That Had One Too Many Coffees Last Night
This category was created specifically for Danny Morrison and Navjot Singh Sidhu. While Sidhu is known to take a back seat and sometimes cut the coffee some slack, Danny Morrison seems to have coffee running in his veins. Ever seen those crazy eyes on the field? AYB-SOO-LOOT-LY IN-SAANE!
This species of Danny Morrison – should future commentators want to emulate this style – is especially beneficial because they bring energy to the field, which can prove quite useful when trying to liven up a dour innings from the likes of Ganguly and Trott.
The key here is that one Danny Morrison is more than enough – mixing a Morrison with a Sidhu in the same stint could well precipitate in a spate of suicides and ear-gouges across the cricket-watching world.
The ‘Entertainment In Himself’ Commentator
This is, by far, the best category a commentator can belong to. While some belong here for the virtue of being so bad, they’re good (ie Ravi Shastri) there are still others like Bumble and Co. who make the most incredible gaffes and partake in the most hilarious on-field hysterics (watch video below) and yet others like Rameez Raja who get all sorts of names and facts wrong.
Who wants to watch the cricket when you have people like these at the other end of the microphone?!
The One That Hits the Sweet Spot
These special men are the ones that in my opinion, get it just right, time and again. With the right mix of humour, wit, clarity of expression, good nature and insightful opinions, the likes of Pommie Mbangwa, Alistair Campbell, HD Ackerman and Harsha Bhogle bring the game the perfect combination of gentlemanliness, wit, and sound judgement. Their evident on-screen camaraderie makes for a welcoming and friendly atmosphere – just how it should be.
More often than not, these men also have a booming laugh that makes you think cricket is the most hilarious game ever. With the likes of Ravi Jadeja getting $2 million to play the IPL, I wouldn’t disagree.
ULTIMATELY, the game would not be half of what it is were it not for these men (and women like Donna Symonds). With only our armchair critics to give us opinions about whether Sachin should retire or not, we’d be lacking in much of the zeal, energy and middle of the road opinions these formidable characters bring to our television sets.
Who are your favourite commentators? Post in the comments below!
written by Abeer Yusuf
Likes balloons and books.
Doesn’t bullet point life.
Floods feeds @aboutabeer and barely blogs at justabeer.blogspot.com.