His batting style is perfectly adequate. No noticeable technical flaws. Supreme hand-eye coordination. He speaks well. He is handsome – not good-looking enough to intimidate men, but more than enough to make women swoon. He could be playing at international level at any number of sports.
If ABdV had an ounce of personality to match his exceptional skills as a cricketer, he would surely end his career revered in a league of his own, in terms of South African batsmen. He is perfect in just about everything that he does.
And yet, as a boring man and devout Christian, ABdV is so middle-of-the-road that he can have the temerity to spout:
“Jesus is everything in my life – he’s the man.”
Without even the slightest hint of irony.
If you were lucky enough to be AbDV’s wife, you would be married to a Stepford Husband.
Every day he would tell you how much he appreciates you and loves you, and he’d always let you climax first.
After he retires, you would become an entirely redundant, non-functioning housewife, as he waited on you hand and foot. You’d love it, and show him off to the wives of relative neanderthals like Jacques Kallis.
But then, you would remember the ‘nice guys finish last’ fallacy which has been imprinted into your mind by all forms of media for the last forty years, and then you realise that regularly reading Cosmopolitan and Grazia cover-to-cover has taught you one thing:
“ALL MIDDLE-CLASS WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE AFFAIRS AFTER TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE, FOR INDISTINCT REASONS TENUOUSLY RELATING TO FEMALE EMPOWERMENT.”
ABdV plays guitar and has a record contract, but don’t let that fool you – he’s mostly acoustic and sounds like The Lighthouse Family on Prozac. For those not familiar with the work of The Family, just imagine ABdV as a black man, trying to make it as a cruise ship entertainer.
His songs manage to cover the age-old Christian pop-rock themes such as: the perception of abortion in The Bible, the joys of platonic love, and Jew-baiting.
Typical lyrics from ABdV’s first album include: “Together, forever…forever together,” [From 'An Ode to Smithy'] and “Every little thing Jacques does is magic.”
ABdV sucks at making music, but this is heartening, because he is annoyingly perfect at everything else.